My husband is not what some might call “naturally dominant”. What I have determined, however, is that a non-naturally dominant husband can successfully lead a taken in hand relationship, albeit with greater effort. No, I have not found that he changes in to a “naturally dominant,” as it would negate the whole meaning of natural, wouldn’t it. Nor does he necessarily allow long dormant dominant abilities to finally rise to the surface (although my husband did grow up in a very liberal New England college town which could suppress any man’s dominant tendencies). From what I've seen, with the support of his wife unreservedly offering her submission, he can work to develop leadership skills which can flourish in that environment. I am outgoing and a natural leader in many situations and my husband, who is shy by nature, has often tended to lean toward the assistant role.

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That said, when we tweak those dynamics by suppressing what seems to us to be natural and he rises to the occasion to confidently take the lead and I humbly step back and follow, there are sparks that fly, the good kind. We both like the results. They are challenging for both of us to arrive at but when he is firm with me, with added disciplinary consequences and I am wholly submissive to him, there is a hard-to-put-my-finger-on connection we seem to achieve and that I have read so much about here. Nevertheless, the end justify the means for us, making the effort worth it.

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If it works for you that's really great. I can't understand if a man doesn't really want to be dominant he should be so. A lot of men love having their wife boss them around and some are very submissive and in those cases they need to seek out dominant women who will be in charge of them and many do and that works fine as well - the man is taken in hand. Great. There's no reason to reverse how people feel to fit some mould but in your case it seems both of you prefer how you have made things so that's great.

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I said being dominant doesn't come naturally to my husband, not that he doesn't want to behave that way. I'm naturally sloppy, but because I like the look of a tidy home and gain a feeling of satisfaction after cleaning up, I push against my natural tendencies in order to be neater, with a greater or lesser degree of success. My husband, though shy, has spoken in front of upwards of 1000 people on a topic he feels strongly about and which he felt could benefit those in attendance. In that case, he certainly fought his natural tendency which would be to endlessly research the topic and discuss it only among colleagues instead of a huge crowd. What I'm getting at is that when you value a particular outcome, you put the necessary effort forth to achieve it. That's the long and the short of how I view my husband's pursuit of dominance and my attempt at submission in our family.

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I think that's how it works for us too. My husband is naturally bossy, but not naturally very self-controlled. However, since he has found that being controlled with me rather than losing his temper and shouting works better, he seems to find it quite easy to be controlled with me. and this in turn makes it easier for me to go against my natural inclination to be a complete slob, and try and put some effort into the housework etc. Both of us are somewhat going against our natures, but it produces such satisfactory results that it seems to be easy for us to keep it going. And it creates an interesting frisson between us which I definitely enjoy.

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There are lots of ways we try to change ourselves or express aspects of ourselves which are there but hidden, because it's the right thing to do; like not losing your temper or trying to be good etc. I should probably not be on this thread as I see it from a kind of sexual orientation from birth BDSM angle. I enjoy being and am submissive. I would hate to be dominant and I couldn't understand anyone suggesting there would be any point in my being so. If I were with a man who wanted me to dominate him I'd not be able to do it with any enthusiasm even if I loved him and knew it would make him happy. It wouldn't then work. It would be like a gay man marrying a woman who might well be able to go through the emotions. On the other hand I can see that some men are dominant but are scared of expressing it and then it could be drawn out. A key test of me in my position as someone who's single is to ask have you spanked a woman, do you have a desire to control a woman, have you done so. Men who are just pretending to please/get me will often say they've never done it but could try or they'll say they couldn't imagine ever spanking a woman. But I've never been out with a dominant man who hasn't spanked or want to and indeed control/dominate virtually every woman he's ever been with almost from his first relationship. I'll shut up. People are mixtures of things. Lots of people are bisexual but some completely heterosexual and I'm sure it's the same with dominance and submission too and quite a lot of men like to switch around between the two. They just aren't for me.

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When I posted my initial comment, it was in one way or another connected with some of you've written here -- the dominant from birth sort of thing. I'd thought long and hard about it and came to my conclusion I posted above. Yes, there is a bit of his doing it for me because it makes me happy, but I, too, find myself submitting sometimes just because it makes him happy, and the cycle goes on and on. Based on many discussions with my husband and a few months of trying it out, I can tell that he likes the whole idea himself and sees the value in it for us which results in him putting forth the effort. From everything I've read (quite a bit!), it's clear to me that a Taken In Hand relationship means different things to different couples. Ours isn't what everyone would want, but we're making the best of what we've got.

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